I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN

For several years now I have had the perfect job....six hours every other week.  In return I received my health insurance and maybe a few dollars in my bank account.  Fifteen of us were informed today that our services would no longer be needed after 10/10/11.  I haven't worried about what I would do when this happened because there was nothing I could do to stop it.  My main concern is health insurance.  Has anyone with pre-existing conditions ever tried to get a private policy?  If not, let me tell you it isn't easy.  Oh, there are such policies but they are quite costly.  I know of one individual who paid $1000 a month until his premium was reduced to $800.   I'm finding myself maybe worrying just a little about the what ifs.  There are way too many what ifs to mention.  Enough of this for now.

 

I also knew that Miles was going to turn one year old.  I'm not ready for him to be one.  Since I haven't been keeping him, I feel like I have missed so much. We had his party yesterday.  Even though it was way too hot, the party was held outside.  The lesson learned is not to always believe the future weather forecasts.  I think the decision was made by all who were involved in the planning that there would be no more outdoor parties in hot weather.  Tah-Tah did an outstanding job creating decorations for his baseball-theme party.  She is an awesome aunt.

This summer has been one of the hottest I can remember not just in a long time, but for ever.  Bailee and Miles haven't been able to play in their "park" at Gigi's much at all.  Before this week it was way too hot, now this week it is too wet.

 

Recently, Bailee and Gigi had a sleepover.  We really enjoyed ourselves.  I told her that this time it was just her staying at Gigi's and another time Miles could have a sleepover.  She replied, no I will stay with Miles too.  There have been times lately that Bailee has missed me. Like the time she said "Gigi, can I come to your house tomorrow?  I just miss you!"  or when she called this week and couldn't understand why my voicemail wasn't talking back to her.  When I did talk to her, she started crying and saying she just wants her Gigi.  What's a Gigi to do?  Go see her, of course!

 

The last time I picked Bailee and Miles up from daycare, they were very sweet on the way home.  Miles started to cry and Bailee says, "its ok, I'm here" and Miles stops crying!  From then on they played peek-a-boo the rest of the way home.  The laughter coming from the backseat of my car melted my heart.

 

By the way, Miles and Gigi did get to have a sleepover without Bailee.  I really enjoy spending time with him too!  Now if I can just get him to say Gigi!  Miles is getting to be such a big boy.  He has moved into the next room at daycare.  Lucky for him, Sadie was also moved.  I can't believe he will be one this month.

 

We were getting ready to go somewhere the other day and Bailee says, "Gigi, don't leave for out me!"  She has her own way of saying things, for sure.

Happy Birthday ... and Many Many More!

Happy birthday to my daddy.  When I called to wish him a happy birthday, I sang only the first part of the song.  He reminded me to add, "and many more".  Of course, I wish him many, many more.  I might add that each year for the past several years, he has said that it would probably be his last birthday.  I can't imagine my life without him, so I just don't even try.  Intellectually, I suspect that someday I will have to face that.  Emotionally, I can't go there and won't until I'm forced.  I felt the same way about my Granny.  She was supposed to live forever.  Even though she was 90 years old and had cancer, I was in denial and I was so upset when I received the call that she had passed.  I just wanted one more time to see her, talk to her, hug her...   So, I came to visit my dad on his 86th birthday.  I usually enjoy my time with him and Carolyn, but for some reason this time, I am extra glad that I can spend time with them.  While I'm writing this, the tv is on, they are each in their recliner, I am on the couch, and look over to see both "resting their eyes".  This will be one of those priceless good memories!

 

Catching Up

Someone told me that after sinus surgery it would be about six weeks before I would really better.  I don't remember who that was, but they were right.  Sinus surgery went ok, even though the dr. was not able to drain the frontal sinus.   Melissa and Joseph were with me at the hospital, not sure what I would do without them.  Melissa spent the first night home with me.  After several more weeks of antibiotics, weekly trips to dr., and no improvement, I was given steriods which did the trick! 

 

Bailee has grown up so much over the past few months.  One day she said, Gigi, I'm getting big ..... and that makes you sad.  I told her yes but she would always be my little princess and reminded her that her daddy is still my baby boy.  She also told me that when she gets big like me that she will hold me!  She is such a sweet little princess, most of the time.

 

Bailee and Miles were surprised recently with a swing set at Gigi's and Pepaw's.  While Miles seemed to enjoy the swing, Bailee loved sliding over and over.  She said that she was going to slide forever and ever and ever!

 

Bailee noticed that Pepaw has a tooth missing and wanted to know what happened to it.  When he told her, she says, hmmm you look like Miles!

 

Last year about this time Bailee would play Chuck E Cheese in my kitchen.  Each cabinet was a game, the back door was where Chuck E was standing.  We had imaginary tokens, tickets, everything one would need at Chuck E Cheese!  Just the other day she began playing this game again.  What a memory she has.

 

What a surprise I had when Bailee recited the Pledge of Allegiance and sang God Bless America.  She is such a smart little girl.

 

When I took Bailee and Miles home one day, before we got out of the car, she said Gigi, I sure miss you :(  can I come to your house again?  It breaks my heart that I can't keep them any more. 

 

Another time after what seemed like a million questions, I hear from the backseat:

 

Bailee:  Gigi

Gigi:  What Bailee?

Bailee: I sure love you!

 

Miles continues to grow and has become a much happier baby.  Perhaps it is due to Sadie, his little girlfriend at daycare.  Miles is truly his father's son!

 

I know I am forgetting some of the funny, interesting things that Bailee says, but this is all for now.

4/4/11

Today I picked up Bailee and Miles from daycare.  I love seeing the smile on Bailee’s face when she sees me.  When we got in the car to come home, I put Miles in first, as usual.  Then Bailee and I walked to the other side so that she could get in her seat.  As I was about to start the car, Bailee said something about kissing Miles.  I thought she meant that I had not kissed him, only to find out that she was all buckled in and couldn’t reach him to give him a kiss.  What a sweet sister.

Miles had some fever when I picked him up.  When we got to gigi’s he enjoyed a bottle and then pepaw holding him and rocking him.  He tried so hard to laugh but would start coughing instead.  I do hope he gets better soon!

Bailee had a sharp fingernail and I said something about letting her mommy cut them.  Her reply, “I don’t want my mommy to cut them because she is crazy”!

Her daddy reported that a little boy came up to Bailee today and held her hand when she got to school.  Daddy gave him the evil eye and whispered in Bailee’s ear that she doesn’t need to hold little boy’s hands.  What will he ever do when she gets older??

Miles is now reaching for people when he wants them.  He is also almost sitting alone.  My how he has grown over the last few weeks.

Recently, I told Bailee that TahTah was coming to see her.  She says, “Good, I want to touch her!”

Bailee and I were talking about horses one day and she informed me that she doesn’t like horses.  Hmmm, no she only likes white ponies!

Here’s a couple of her new phrases: 

I commented that Miles would probably wake up soon, she replied “he is so predictable”.

And another that I can’t remember why she said it is, “this is serious”.

I still miss them each day, but have realized that right now I am just not healthy enough to take care of them full-time.  Hopefully, sinus surgery, tomorrow will be the beginning of my health improving.

3/30/11

Last night was a long night.  I’m not really sure why I had such a hard time getting to sleep.  Could it be the caffeine in my new pain medicine?

Melissa took me for my CT Scan and pre-op visit this morning.   For the most part the people who waited on us today seemed to be very rude.  We thought maybe they were upset because they’d spent money on pedicures so that they could wear flip flops and the temperature was in the 30s….it isn’t spring weather yet.  I don’t much like for my feet to be cold either. 

I was glad that Melissa was with me because focus was a real problem today.  Each person has to ask questions and at times they each ask the same.  They each enter my answers in the computer system which already has many of the answers.  I guess I should be thankful.

Red had a unit of blood removed yesterday at his dr. appt. This resulted in his normally high blood pressure dropping to normal, which is very low for him.  He has been in bed all day today not feeling well.  I think back how Bailee would sneak into pepaw’s room, pat him on his leg and ask him if he was ok.  She is such a caring little person.

When I had oral surgery recently, Bailee and Miles, came to visit me and brought me some yummy ice cream.  She got up on the bed with me and we shared it.  That day and night is pretty much a blur in my memory, but I do remember that special time. 

Changes

It’s been a while…with some changes along the way.  Isn’t that what life is all about….changes?  Gigi has had a (NSI) Never-ending Sinus Infection.   Three rounds of antibiotics, oral surgery, another round of antibiotics, two cultures, pain pills, and I still have the NSI.  Surgery is scheduled but if I should start to feel much, much better, I’m to call the nurse and postpone surgery.  The past month especially is pretty blurry.

For as long as I can remember I have had problems with separation anxiety.  I was such a momma’s girl that I never wanted to be away from her.  On occasion when I would visit with my grandparents, 4 hours away, I don’t think a day went by that I didn’t cry. The longest I ever stayed was a week, but at the time it seemed an eternity. It wasn’t that I didn’t love them because I did.  I just did not like being away from my mother.  I think now about how much my grandmother did to entertain me and how hard it must have been for her.  Wish I could tell her that I’m sorry that my visits made it difficult for her.  I couldn’t tell her that it would be different if I could redo it, because I’m pretty sure I would have still been miserable while away from my mother.

One of the biggest changes is that I am no longer keeping Bailee and Miles.  They are now going to full-time daycare.  To say that I had a meltdown when this occurred is an understatement. I’m sorry for getting so upset and making it even more difficult for their mommy and daddy to make the decision. Would I get upset if I had it to do over again?  Yes.  I just now can talk about it without getting a lump in my throat.  To some, I know this is silly.  Even though I know that this decision is best for all concerned right now, I still have a hard time dealing with the fact that they are not here every day.  All I could think of was that my babies were not going to be with me.  I miss them dearly.  Remember, I said I have had problems with separation anxiety?  The truth is, I am not feeling well enough to take care of them full-time and right now not even part-time.  Hopefully, I will be able to keep them at least part-time in the future. 

No longer will I be the person who hears the cute things Bailee says each day.  She is my sunshine and she makes me laugh and I miss that.  I won’t be the one who enjoys the “firsts” of Miles.  He is rolling everywhere and I missed it.  He says some sounds now, ma, da, and I’m pretty sure I heard gi last week.  His smile is contagious and I miss seeing it daily.

One thing that will never change is this...I will always be their gigi!